It starts from my toes, and I wrinkle my nose

Friday, August 26, 2005 ppffttt... jacob just told me that i dont have to come for jamming session tmr... said that james wanted to play the guitar for worship so i need'nt come... surprisingly, i'm rather disappointed bout the fact that i cant play for this weeks worship... it fun can... at the same time improve my skills... oh well... and the sad thing is that i wun be able to play for the next worship session as well as i wun be in singapore... and this weeks songs are sooo nice can...*wails* why is everything not going my way? *sigh* anyway i guess i'll stick to my own quiet life... hope that we can continue to play even after the split from YA after PDL. yupp yupp... super fun to play with those guys hahaha.

oh and did i tell you that i'm FINALLY learning my electric guitar? haha... wad did ya expect. i'm a cool girl. *smirks* lol... hope that i'll be good enough to get a really really good electric guitar next time... bad thing is that i HATE SCALES and hate indeed... pffttt... but my teacher is always making me do it... threatening me that if i dun memorise my scales i'll go nowhere else... ppffttt... STUPID SCALES... oh well... suppose that i have to practice it now since that i haven even touch my guitars for 4 days? love the feel... then my hands will get all stretched and lengthened hahaha... guitar rox can...

going for the debate finals later. its RI AGAINST SCGS... will be a pretty interesting debate. oh and looking forward to seeing the NYJC AND AJC debate as well... meeting nic to settle some problems... (i hope) if she bothers to remember...

was on the com last night... ok this sounds pretty lame but was talking to some people and crying non-stop can... yeah i guess you can say i'm too extreme... its the first time that i've cried so hard over a debate experience. maybe i can understand why Addeline cried when we were out of the quarters of JG's. It's that feeling of disappointment. after hours on the computer, researching, finding examples, writing oout the facts, compiling out yr team mates cases, thinking of rebuttals, stressing over how we may not be able to reach the time limit and *poof* you lost. its like... i dunno... you just feel really sucky. you may think that i'm overboard and taking it too seriously. but i suppose thats what debate is all about. you put yr heart and soul into it but you just cant make it. its different from sports its different from other competitions. the debate world is just another planet. its like debaters are on mars. losing a debate to me is a very discouraging thing...

i know that i keep on harping bout how we lost... but really... i feel extremely guilty about it... i was my fault... i was too selfish...oh well... i have to let it go... slowly... dunno how i would be able to look at her later and congratulate her... i may be able too... i know i can... but deep inside i'll be feeling a sense of defeat and uselessness... that i'm not on par with her... that she... who did not have an extra year of training could win me... i know i sound selfish... u can think whatever you want... i'm just writing out what i feel... what i really feel inside of me. no amount of encouragment can help me... she herself oblivious to the facts that i'm having a silent war with her, that mentally, i'm competing against her. but i know i CANNOT n SHOULD NOT do that because it will cost us the whole team.

this cca is like that. if u want to do it your way... too bad... yr team loses even if u can deliever the best speech u have ever made. team work is the key factor to victory.

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